Saturday, December 24, 2005

Compromise

Mother Courage, a few weeks ago, wrote about Compromise, which is something I’ve been meaning to write about for a long time, but never got around to it. While each person will naturally relate this to whatever experiences they’ve gone through or are currently experiencing, please note that I’m talking about relationships in general and not just the ‘male/female’ relationship.

Once people surpass the ‘getting to know you' stage, they move on to categorizing. You have those who fall under ‘family’, ‘close friends – almost family’, ‘semi-friends’, ‘acquaintances’, ‘never want to see/talk to them’, etc. With some people, it’s easy to fit them into the appropriate slot. Others, though, it seems very difficult; they teeter-totter on the borderline and you never know when to make a final decision or where to place them.

There are people who enter our lives, people whose thought process we find admirable, whom we feel that we connect with, whose company we enjoy. Yet, as we get to know them better, as the novelty starts to subside, and we see more and more of the ‘full picture’ of that person’s personality, we find ourselves struggling. “Does this person add value to my life, or suck the energy out?”

It’s not easy to find people you connect or relate to. So, once you do, you hesitate to walk away. Human nature reminds us of the good times and we somehow sweep the bad under the rug and convince ourselves that there’s more ‘good’ than ‘bad’. Yet at the same time, with age and experience, tolerance levels get reduced greatly and priorities start shifting.

When do you stop compromising? When do you decide that enough is enough? There is no perfect person, so when do you decide whether their imperfection is something you can tolerate or not? Life has no guarantees. Life has no black or white answers. Life is too short to be wasted on the wrong people.

The dictionary says that compromise is: “a settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.” The operative word here is ‘EACH’. I don’t think making the decision is the difficult part. If we dig deep down inside, we know whether the person in front of us is someone who is a good addition to our life or not. However, for some reason, once we make what we think is a ‘solid’ connection, it’s tough to break it off. We keep making up excuses and giving second, third, and twenty seventh chances; never quite realizing that if it was truly solid, no chances would be needed (at least not that many)!

When someone comes to us for advice, it’s so easy for us to give it; just like it’ll be easy for any of you to write a comment about this. But when it comes to your own life and the friends who cross your path, is it easy for you? Is it easy to draw the line and walk away once someone crosses it? Knowing the withdrawal symptoms you will face, how do you surpass that and move on? Just how much of yourself do you give up when you compromise?

22 comments:

3teej said...

Glad that you’ve brought up this topic. I think also one have to consider people who live away from home, like students for example. Being a student, and away from home almost 9 years now (no!! I am a bright student, but I just do not want to finish my education, each time I graduate I promise myself that this will be my last degree and so on). Any way back to the topic, during those years I've known different type of people that fit each category you've mentioned in your post. However, I think I was able to manage being friend with all of them. The reason is sometimes there is no one to hang out with, or sometimes I give the person an excuse saying "well s/he is away from home and family and that why s/he behave this way". Moreover, female friends are very special case, they are different everyday, (don't be mad I swear, at least females friends I’ve known), and what keep me caring about them is that I feel they are fragile in nature and they need someone to take care of them. Is that considered compromising?? Finally, I think the limit for compromising is your religion, dignity and honor, those shouldn’t involve any compromising. No matter if you are back home or away. Sorry for my long comment but I think the topic is very interesting to me and I was thinking about this topic the past 9 years.

Thanks for your interesting topic

Temetwir said...

you don't give up anything of yourself when you compromise.. unless you compromise in what you believe in

yes, religion and social standards are the most basic two .. but there also exists (surely) some indivualistic 'boundaries' so to speak that one can not compromise ..

whenever those are triggered, then we have a problem.. whenever they're not, we don't have a problem to such an extent that we just dont even KNOW that we ARE compromising

these are very silly, but VERY realistic examples: which movie to go to? which restaurant to have dinner in? whose dowaneya will u hang out in? will u go to the shalaih with family or to camp with friends?

they happen daily, and "seasonally" (if thats a word) but we never really know we're compromising because they dont challenge: religion, social standards, indiviualistic boundaries

or so i philosophize without any idea of what im saying

----

3ateej i MUST say this, 9yrs? NINE YEARS? maaaaaan i spent 4months out of kuwait and i was dying inside each day becoz i just cant relate .. i think of it now as a fish being taken out of water and laid on land ..
YOU SIR ARE MY HERO NOW .. mn elyom o raaye7 ill tell myself "3ateej spent 9yrs and counting outside q8"

hats off

MSB said...

3teej: thanks for your comment. we have something in common. i, too, was away from home for 9 years. so i know what u mean. i think elghorba teaches you how to appreciate people and it refines your ability to analyze & characterize others, as well as yourself.

allow me to clarify something. there r times when we learn how to deal with others: we know them well enough to know what makes them tick and hence we avoid bad situations by knowing how to interact with them. this, i believe is a gift.

what i'm talking about are people where, no matter how hard you try to 'accomodate' their moods/ways, it never seems to work.. you always seem to have to give more and more.. and it seems like you're receiving less and less..

i do agree, the limit is when something compromises ur religion, dignity or honor. do u think that people are aware when that line is crossed? i think some people make up excuses in order to continue and turn a blind eye as opposed to having to deal with losing that person/friend.

MSB said...

temetwir: glad ur 1st comment was about my last question. that's 1 thing i wonder about a lot.

when u compromise, it means u give up something u may believe in/want, because something else means more to the other person. when this gets to a point where u seem to be doing most of the 'giving in', then ur giving up parts of u.. giving up what u want to do and what u would enjoy, for the pleasure of the other person. when will it be their turn to give up some of what they want for u?

sometimes people mistake being 'understanding' with 'giving up parts of themself..' they keep thinking 'it's ok, ana baseer a3gal o akbar min chithee... 3ady, it doesnt mean much to me.. i can deal with this..' bs laih meta? laih meta u understand and step aside while the other party never stops to think the same way about u and ur wants?

personally, i believe if each person yesheel ham el thany & tries to look for their happiness, then that's a win-win situation. but if each person, or one, is worried about their own happiness only.. that's when we have a mismatch and a recipe for future disaster.

Brava Valentia said...

msb

you really embarrassed me !! my post is nothing compared to urs... but to be honest with you , i think you made it sound even more complicated !... as i said before people look at it from different angles, some would think neglecting for instance is okaii in a relationship and would try to work on it by time , others just dont accept it .
i like the questions u put, they've enlightened me in a way. thank you

MSB said...

MC: u have nothing to be embarrassed about!!! thanks for getting the ball rolling.. ur right, it's complicated cuz it involves human emotions & relationships. but once we learn how to control emotions and try to be more logical in our approach, this becomes a lot easier.

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